On Shrinking Oneself.

Ava Sol

Hey Zs!, 

Check out this verbatim exchange between my friend N and I.

N: I’m asking for recommendations on LinkedIn, yours coming through.

Ije: Job application? Where are you applying?

N: No just upping my LinkedIn profile. 

Ije: Ok

N: People should speak of things I have done more. I have been reflecting on a friend who is making waves simply from propagating herself online.

Ije: This is something I struggle with a lot. I have no idea how to craft my story in a way that is authentic to me.

N: I don’t even know my dear. This one (said friend propagating online) does not even believe in God. So how does one reconcile that?

Ije: Hahaha what has God got to do with this? There are universal principles that have got nothing to do with religion.

N: I agree and so self-promoting is one? It is at odds with being meek, no?

Ije: There is a thin line but it (self-promotion) can be done with taste.

N: I hope I learn it.

Ije: What is meekness, N? Christianity can be a boulder shackled to our feet that won’t let us move.

N: Hmmmmmmmmm

Ije: What are the boundaries of meekness exactly?

N: O and I talked about this.

Ije: You are assertive for instance, will you say you are not meek?

N: O wants to be more visible. He has done some amazing work but is shy to be out there.

Ije: I have this issue but what is at the root of it, really? Is it feeling like we don’t measure up? We don’t feel like our achievements are valid? It’s us being our own judge and jury.

N: That is not for me though, I do have imposter syndrome, yes but it's more like am I taking the glory? (God’s glory)

Ije: Taking the glory, how? Christianity messes us up N.

N: Ahhhhhhhhhh. This needs a sit-down.

Ije: So many people keep second-guessing themselves. Never sure what is acceptable to God. We need to see God the way we see our earthly fathers. How would your dad on earth want you to present yourself?

N: Hmmmmmmmm

Ije: Why are we constantly unsure of how to relate with God? Like he is this very angry person that has us walking on eggshells.

The above - in case you didn’t get the gist is a conversation I had with my friend about confidently speaking about one’s self and owning our accomplishments.  Here my friend N, like a lot of people, don’t think that they have a right to talk about their achievements because they then won’t be “meek”/ “modest” or what we call humble. They believe they will be taking the glory for their achievements when all the glory should go to God. 

I learned the real meaning of humble while reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Here is an excerpt explaining the word: 

The word humility derives from the Latin word humilitas, which means “of the earth.” To be humble is to be grounded in knowing who you are. It implies the responsibility to become what you were meant to become—to grow, to reach, to fully bloom as high and strong and grand as you were created to. It is not honourable for a tree to wilt and shrink and disappear. It’s not honourable for a woman (or anyone) to, either.

“Playing dumb, weak, and silly is a disservice to yourself and to me and to the world. Every time you pretend to be less than you are, you steal permission from other women ( everyone) to exist fully. Don’t mistake modesty for humility. Modesty is a giggly lie. An act. A mask. A fake game. We have no time for it.”

This means that we have unknowingly been using the word humble wrong. 

We all seem to be allergic to self-promotion. Some people resort to the very irritating humble brag which is to make a seemingly modest, self-critical, or casual statement or reference that is meant to draw attention to one's admirable or impressive qualities or achievements. This is the act of indirectly or demurely boasting.

I think that we need to exist in the fullness of who we are while rooted in humility(refer to the above definition)  We, especially women though some men are afflicted by this ailment too, should not feel the need to shrink or make ourselves small. 

For those who are allergic and very weary of being called arrogance, a valid reason for why people don’t like to talk about themselves, this Victor Cheng’s difference between arrogance and confidence should be a “balm” to your weary anxious souls:

Arrogance is when you believe and act as if who you are and what you have to say are better than who others are and what they have to say.

Confidence is when you believe and act as if who you are and what you have to say are valid… and you acknowledge that who others are and what they have to say has validity too.

Arrogance is a dependent variable that depends on the assigned inferiority of others.

When you fend off the inferiority assigned to you by someone arrogant, they see that as a threat.

When two arrogant people face-off, they jockey for position… each assigning the other the inferior position, and each resisting their assignment.

In contrast, confidence is an independent variable. It is unrelated to any notion of perceived status or position of others.

If you live in the paradigm of arrogance, you must take away from others to sustain your position.

When you live in the paradigm of confidence, you feel no need to diminish others because you’re certain that what you say has value (and what others say may have value too… and that’s perfectly fine).

If you see the world through the lens of better than/less than, that’s the paradigm of arrogance (even if you assign yourself the “less than” role).

If you see all people and all ideas as worthy of consideration, that’s the paradigm of confidence.

It’s worth taking a look in the mirror to see which paradigm you operate in.

If Glennon Doyle and the super-smart ex-management consulting wiz-kid Victor Cheng hasn’t convinced you to let go of your hiding yourself hangup, the wise one, Maya Angelou might do the trick. Here is what she has to say about humility and modesty (which she hates).

“I don’t know what arrogance means. You see, I have no patience with modesty. Modesty is a learned adaptation. It’s stuck on like decals.  As soon as life slams a modest person against the wall, that modesty will fall off faster than a G-string will fall off a stripper.  Whenever I’m around someone who is modest, I think, ‘run like hell and all of fire’. You don’t want modesty, you want humility. Humility comes from inside out. It says someone was here before me and I’m here because I’ve been paid for. I have something to do and I will do that because I’m paying for someone else who has yet to come.” 

By this, she means that humility honours and respects the people and circumstances that have shaped your path and privilege. You understand what you can do and who has enabled you, but you also know what you can't, and none of this diminishes your accomplishments. It means you are fully aware of who you are and don’t cower or make small of it, neither do you exaggerate your capabilities, skills and knowledge. You live in your truth. 

While modesty to her is a way of deflecting or dismissing praise and accomplishments. It is very passive and dishonours the person doing it. 

Can we learn to live in the fullness of our being? To accept compliments graciously. To be comfortable in our own skins. To learn that our achievements don’t take away from others. To know that life isn’t a zero-sum game where one person’s win is another’s loss.

Our heavenly father loves us more than our earthly fathers could ever and would love us to live our lives to the fullness without shrinking ourselves. He will want us to stand tall with our heads held high.

Keep going,

Ije