The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary
awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat
each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them
at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as
a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
It was pure serendipity that sent the above poem my way.
The last few days have been extremely tough. I had spent a good part of last week “trying” to be there for a friend that is going through the worst kind of grief.
A few days after I heard of her loss, I was working out and some gospel music was playing, one of them was this song by Kirk Franklin - Smile. The part of the song that really made me pause my workout is this;
Today's a new day, but there is no sunshine
Nothing but clouds, and it's dark in my heart
And it feels like a cold night
Today's a new day, but where are my blue skies
Where is the love and the joy that you promised me?
Tell me it's alright
(I'll be honest with you)
I almost gave up, but a power that I can't explain
Fell from heaven like a shower
(When I think how much better I'm gonna be when this is over)
I smile, even though I'm hurt, see I smile
I know God is working so I smile
Even though I've been here for a while
I smile
Smile
It's so hard to look up when you've been down
Sure would hate to see you give up now
You look so much better when you smile, so smile
My first instinct was to send it to my friend. But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to.
When someone is going through a difficult time, we say things like “Bad things happen for a reason”. “It is well”. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. All said with good intentions.
I referenced Rumi’s poem; The Guest House, to say that intellectually he is 100% accurate and these sayings are futuristically accurate as well.
If only we could separate or distance ourselves from the pain, we could maybe internalise the fact that both good and bad things happen in life. That we humans are “guest houses” according to Rumi and should welcome whatever comes our way with equal delight and gratitude.
But truth be told when you are in the “wilderness”. You don’t want to be any part of that “madness”.
Grief is like an excavation. It’s like you have this gigantic deep dark hole with jagged edges inside you. When you are “in” it, it seems like that hole could never ever be filled ever again.
With almost every other type of loss, you could replace what you lost if you had the means but with death, it’s so final. You are never going to be able to get back that exact person.
It’s that sense of hopelessness, the numbness, the understanding of how “small” you are in the grand scheme of things that really messes with you.
We know that we tend to connect dots backwards. Or as it’s said, hindsight is 20:20. We are only able to see the reason something happened sometime in the future. But in the present, you don’t have the mind space to glorify a future that seems so bleak to you. You absolutely don’t want to hear that “it is well” because it is far from well.
This is the reason that I couldn’t get myself to send Kirk Franklin’s song. Not that song wasn’t appropriate but I had seen her, while I can’t begin to fully comprehend the depth of her pain I knew that the situation was just not “right”.
I bet that if people experiencing any form of loss had any say in the matter, they would rather their lives weren’t turned upside down just so that they can be “stronger” in keeping with what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or to find the greater purpose for their suffering/loss. The price to pay for the gain is seen as steep in those moments.
Grief does something to you and different people react differently. Some people lash out at others. Some people are very upset that others are carrying on with their lives when their own world seems to have stopped. This was how a lady that lost her one-year-old son said she felt.
Others might not want to deal with the pain for fear of falling apart so they tie it up in a box and tuck it away somewhere. I think I might fall into this category of people because I don’t know if I have really grieved my mum who has been dead for more than 20years.
The past week also reminded me of the awkwardness we feel with grief and grieving people especially for something so universal and so constant. Anyone that has experienced loss especially in the form of death can relate to this. We don’t have words to say to the person. We don’t know how to “be”. (Those were the exact words I said to one of our friends when I heard about had happened to my friend by the way. “I said I don’t know how to be”.)
Because of our lack of awareness of this inadequacy, we either say all the wrong things or “run away” from the person. I don’t have the answer on how to fix this but genuinely saying how you feel or just keeping quiet and being present for the person might help.
Apart from others’ ineptitude with those grieving, people grieving also don’t know what to do with or the right way to deal with their own grief. We don’t know the right amount of time that it’s ok not to be ok. We don’t know how to communicate what we need to others.
In the end, I don’t know if we ever truly get over the loss because it is an event in your life the way a wedding or childbirth is. Time makes it feel better for sure. It adds to the tapestry of your life. It becomes an old scar that you don’t even notice you have but it’s there.
To anyone going through any kind of struggle right now, I know you don’t want to hear this but it does get better. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Seek help if you need it. Let people be there for you. And as the sun rises and falls and rises and falls and the days keep going. You will wake up one day and realise that you don’t feel like shit anymore.
Keep going!!!
Ije
Making Sense of Grief
....Nice One Ijay! We only have to be strong and keep going; The God of all comfort has got our back !!! Weldone !
Ijeee,such a wonderful write up . Grieffff 🤔🤔 such a necessary exercise to go through with loss.You might not even get over it for years.
Am proud of you, coz .