Hidden Things.
This one is going to be a little uncomfortable. For me, and as a topic in general, it’s one of those things we all experience but never talk about.
I seriously struggled with deciding if I wanted to write about this, being the highly self-critical person that I am. Then, I thought, maybe treating it as research would create some detachment and distance, i.e. being logical about it. And I’m happy I did because I stumbled on sociologist and philosopher Helen Merrell Lynd's work, and it has given me so much clarity and “peace” on what shame is. And a lot of you seem to love these touchy-feely topics anyway, loll.
So…that's the topic, shame.
Shame is a very private and powerful, and uncomfortable experience. At its centre is a form of inner conflict, a personal battle with ourselves. In which one part of the self is repulsed by the choices of the other, revealing an internal dissonance intricately tied to our identities, our concept of self. The level and depth of shame we feel is (sorry for being nerdy) directly proportional to how much we have strayed from this perception of our identities.
It's not about what we don't want to reveal/ expose to others, but rather exposure, coming to terms with versions of ourselves we don't recognise or are reluctant to accept.
Another devastating thing I learnt from reading Lynd’s work is that shame is so terrible because the reminds us of the jaded innocence of childhood, where we think the world as we see it is truly what and how it is.
Some quotes from her;
“Shame is an experience that affects and is affected by the whole self. This whole-self involvement is one of its distinguishing characteristics and one that makes it a clue to identity… In this moment of self-consciousness, the self stands revealed. Coming suddenly upon us, experiences of shame throw a flooding light on what and who we are and what the world we live in is.”
“It is no accident that experiences of shame are called self-consciousness. Such experiences are characteristically painful. They are usually taken as something to be hidden, dodged, covered up — even, or especially, from oneself. Shame interrupts any unquestioning, unaware sense of oneself. But it is possible that experiences of shame, if confronted full in the face, may throw an unexpected light on who one is and point the way toward who one may become. Fully faced, shame may become not primarily something to be covered, but a positive experience of revelation”
“What we have thought we could count on in ourselves, and what we have thought to be the boundaries and contours of the world, turn out suddenly not to be the 'real' outlines of ourselves or the world, or those that others accept. We have become strangers in a world where we thought we were at home. We experience anxiety in becoming aware that we cannot trust our answers to the questions Who am I? Where do I belong?”
“Because personality is rooted in unconscious and unquestioned trust in one’s immediate world, experiences that shake trusted anticipations and give rise to doubt may be of lasting importance… Shattering of trust in the dependability of one’s immediate world means loss of trust in other persons, who are the transmitters and interpreters of that world. We have relied on the picture of the world they have given us, and it has proved mistaken; we have turned for response in what we thought was a relation of mutuality and have found our expectation misinterpreted or distorted; we have opened ourselves in anticipation of a response that was not forthcoming. With every recurrent violation of trust, we become again children unsure of ourselves in an alien world.”
I honestly had goosebumps reading her work because everything rang true. What I felt most ashamed of was my own misplaced or misguided assumptions of how things should be or should have been, and falling short of my expectations. Especially things I have tied my identity around. My ability to have known better, to have made better decisions. Shame in not having done something right, especially as I have seen myself as someone who is “smart”. I torture myself with thoughts like But if you say you are intelligent, how could that have happened?
I think this is the feeling that people who get swindled feel. Their silence is borne out of shame for allowing themselves to be foolish enough to be used. People who have been abused are ashamed of having been in that position to have been taken advantage of.
Perhaps the reason shame is so misunderstood and not given enough airtime is because it's usually bundled with guilt. Although complementary of each other and one reinforces the other, guilt usually comes from the feeling of wrongdoing. Shame stems from the feeling of falling short, failing on a personal level, or not meeting an expectation.
Guilt is often about externally constructed rules, while shame is regulated internally by our hopes, expectations, and ideals, which this fundamental to our sense of self. Making right a wrong, eg apologising for wrongdoing and your apology accepted, could relieve guilt but do nothing for shame.
Lynd: “Guilt can be expiated. Shame, short of a transformation of the self, is retained. This transformation means, in Plato’s words, a turning of the whole soul toward the light”
“The feeling of unexpectedness marks one of the central contrasts between shame and guilt. This unexpectedness is more than suddenness in time; it is also an astonishment at seeing different parts of ourselves, conscious and unconscious, acknowledged and unacknowledged, suddenly coming together, and coming together with aspects of the world we have not recognised. Patterns of events (inner and outer) of which we are not conscious come unexpectedly into relation with those of which we are aware.”
I’m not sure how to close this. I don't know if it brings anyone as much comfort as it brought me. It hasn't gotten rid of the feeling, but it has helped me understand it more. And I guess understanding is a great place to start when trying to find a way forward.
Keep going,
Ije.